Sitting in the hospital for the past few weeks has made for plenty of time to think. While I am grateful for everyone who has crossed our path, and I am grateful that our son is doing so well, there are also times that have proven increasingly frustrating.
Today when I arrived to the NICU, I was not allowed in because a new baby had just come that they were trying to stablize. Of course I understand; they took the same great care with LJ when he came in one week ago. But...I also had the selfish reaction of wanting to see my baby. Of wanting to feed him myself instead through a tube. Of wanting to decide when I hold him instead of being told when and for how long. Of changing a diaper without worrying about the cords and tubes. Of changing a diaper when he needs it, instead of at 2, 5, 8, and 11.
Then I have fear. Believe it or not, while I am dreaming about the day they tell us LJ can come home, it also terrifies me. While he is in the hospital, I know he is safe. If he stops breathing again, they know the second it happens. They told us yesterday that by this weekend he may be moving to a new unit. It will still be in the NICU but a "step-down" unit where he will spend the rest of his time. I was excited because it is progress, but it also makes me nervous.
I have learned some other important lessons in my time at Northside so far:
-Mesh underwear make granny panties seem like heaven.
-Showers are taken for granted until you have a limited number.
-Hospital food isn't always horrible. It depends on the meal. When the meal includes broccoli, I cry-really.
-No one talks about what happens after the baby comes out. I am here to say that giving birth was nothing compared to the pain of the doctor raking and kneading on my stomach for 30 minutes afterwards.
Lessons we have learned from LJ:
-Poo is something to celebrate!
-When you dont want something touching your face, take it off. Even if that includes your nasal tubes, temperature wires, and feeding tubes. Slap those who try to replace them.
-Sugar water is the best alternative to ice cream.
-It is totally ok to wake up only to eat and go potty...sleep the rest of the day.
LJ continues to amaze us! He completely went off oxygen Monday night. His face was tube free! They decided to let him try it because he kept pulling out his own tubes and he seemed okay. The tube was put back in on Tuesday. His respiratory rate was fine, but he was working really hard to breathe, and he needs his energy to grow. He was under the bili lights for jaundice for 3 days. Those went away on Wednesday.
He hadn't been digesting milk well, so they skipped one feeding. He hasn't had a problem since. They increase his milk every 24 hours if he has digested all of his meals in that time. He has gone from 3 ml every 3 hours to 12 ml every 3 hours. To give perspective, a teaspoon is 5 ml, an ounce is 30 ml. We're getting there.
Every day LJ seems a little more coherent. He is opening his eyes and trying to focus. When he hears our voices, expecially Matt's, he looks towards them. LJ has a good set of lungs. The nurses keep telling us he makes sure to let them know when he is not happy. He's making a name for himself already!
We continue to feel very blessed, even in our moments of weakness and exhaustion. This is God's plan, and LJ is a gift.
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